Perseverance

This is going to sound like a really mean "I hate Rochester" post for about one paragraph. But hang in there, because SPOILER ALERT, it doesn't end that way.

When we moved to Rochester four years ago, I was really sad to leave behind my life in Philadelphia. I missed my job, I missed my friends, and I missed my city. I missed being able to go home for a weekend visit. I distinctly remember driving back to the Roc from the Cities after dropping my Mom off at the airport, taking in the view of seemingly endless cornfields and soybean fields and thinking "I hate it here" and surprising myself with that thought and the depth of that emotion. Because I truly didn't want to hate it and I didn't want to be sad. I had a brand new (to me) house and a baby on the way, and life was good...so why couldn't I get with the program and just be happy? Darn it, was it so hard to just LIKE where I was living?

Well yes, it was, a bit. And after a few years of reflection, I think I know why.

If you have been through a book club with me before, you know that I love Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And no, I don't like the movie, that sucked. And I know that some people loathe that book, including my own sister, but for me, that book, at that time in my life, was profoundly important. Anyway, this is not one of the profound parts, but Gilbert at some point mentions the idea that each place and each person have a word, something that encapsulates what/who they are in their very essence. And if your words don't mesh, you can't really get along with a person or be at peace with a place.

So recently I've been pondering Rochester and its word. And this was a hard job. Some places are easy to define. Rochester is tough. It's home to one of the best medical facilities in the world...and also to a lot of farmers, thus making it sort of a cosmopolitan and yet country kind of place. It's a city that takes its personality from a hospital, which quite frankly, is never a good thing. It's a city where eating in a restaurant beside a person swathed in bandages or making room for an oxygen tank along is totally normal.  The walking wounded are everywhere and some of the sights you see in a local Target tug at your heartstrings and turn your stomach all at once. It can be rough, but it's also a place of hope and answered prayers. It's a place where big problems are fixed and survivors celebrate their victory over disease and disability. And yet it's also a city plagued by murders of crows. You see what I'm saying here? That's Rochester. A place of last chances and answered prayers that also happens to have a problem  with omens of doom taking over the downtown.

So it wasn't easy to nail down a word, but after much thought, I suggest that Rochester's word might be "Perseverance".

Dictionary.com defines perseverance as:

1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

2.Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation. 

I love that there is a theological definition to this word too, which I confess, I wasn't thinking about at all, but frankly if residency doesn't turn your eyes to God, you will be turning to "crazy" with a quickness.

Yes, I think Rochester's word is "perseverance". And that explains why it took me so long to get along with Rochester. I am not yet sure what my personal word is, but I KNOW it's not that. I am not one who perseveres. I'm one who says "Well, to hell with this, let's get a bottle of wine". Nobody WANTS to learn how to persevere because that necessarily means doing something hard. No ones talks about enduring this chocolate cake or staying the course of their bubble bath.

I wasn't a perseverer (real word? no, but roll with it). But maybe, just maybe, I am now. And I do love it here, not so much because of the weird contrary contrastiness (also not a real word) of the Roc, but because I needed to be here and to learn how to endure, how to persist in spite of "difficulties, obstacles, or disappointment".  And I needed the people here, the women who help me continue "in a state of grace to the end". 

I'm not going to write about resident life because that's been done more effectively elsewhere, by people who have been through it themselves. But perseverance? Yes. They learn that. My goodness, they have to learn that or they don't make it.

Life as a patient or a patient's loved one? I've been there, sweating bullets and choking on tears in the PICU. Perseverance? Yes. It requires strength you don't know that you have and don't particularly want to have, but you MUST have it for your loved one. It's the strength to stay and the strength to face the possibility of letting them leave. And there is no difficulty like that, no thing that is harder to see to the end.

And life as a resident's spouse? I could write a novel, though don't worry, I won't do that here. But yes, you had better learn how to do it all, by yourself, and find happiness in it. Perseverance.

So now? I know that I can do this thing. This medical spouse thing, this motherhood thing, this LIFE thing. And I said "do it by yourself" but really, you don't do it alone. There are times that it feels that way, because your primary partner is gone so much, enduring their own tests, but you find people that help you, that quietly step into the gaps, and help you persevere.

One of those people left last week. My friend Melissa went back to California. She is the first of the fifth years to leave. I knew it was coming, of course. And I expected to be sad, and I am sad. I'm sad because I miss Mel and Cora. And I'm so grateful for the time we got to spend in Florida together and for Mel's sweet heart and generous nature which allowed her to like me even though I'm nothing like her and could easily drive a put-together person crazy.

And Melissa is always perfectly put together ...to the point that she and Cora are always dressed in complementary outfits. I consider myself well groomed if there are no immediately visible food stains on my outfit. When we were in Florida, she made a spread sheet comparing the prices of food and supplies at area grocery stores. I bought a balloon pump and 55 balloons for Graydon's 12 month photos, which then drifted all over our apartment for the remainder of our time in Florida. I think you get the picture. 

 I'm also sad because this is just the beginning of the end. The rest of the fifth years are packing up and moving out, and it's surreal to me. They're all great people and good friends. The last to leave will be Danielle, and when I think about Danielle and Sydney leaving, and not having sweet little Miss S every day, I immediately start crying.

Great, now I'm crying.

But yes, that will be a hard goodbye. There is no bigger compliment than handing your child over to someone. And Danielle is awesome, the kind of friend that lets you cry about a bad day and then brings you a bottle of wine the next day, just in case the bad mood is lingering. And she raised a luminous and lovely daughter that I will miss terribly, and Addie will miss terribly. She really believes Sydney is her sister. Sometimes on the weekend she freaks out and says "Mom, we forgot to get Sydney!" when we're leaving an activity. I'm not sure how to explain that she isn't going to get to play with her "sister" for a long while.

Soon my year will be the fifth year. And then it will be our turn to pack up and move too. All my friends already know where they are going...Utah, Canada, Alabama, North Carolina, Nevada....they are spreading out all over the States.  Realtors are being engaged, houses are being prepped for sale, and "we really need to do this before we leave" lists are being prepared. So yes, it's the beginning of the end.

The end of the end is still a year away. But I've already had my first little taste of how hard it will be to say goodbye. These are my people. My family away from my family, the girls that make it possible for me to have dentist appointments and hair cuts and bring me chai lattes on bad days and take long walks and short runs with me. I spent Mother's Day with Jen and Anne because Tim was on call (as were their guys). I spent Father's Day with Laura and Nicole because Tim was on call. They're my people. My other family.

So, Rochester, I actually value you now. I don't hate you. I kinda sorta like you, maybe even love you, because you've changed me for the better. You, and the people here, you're all about perseverance. And I hope we can spend our last year here appreciating all the bizarrely oddball things about you and our crazy lives.

And the fifth years? Ladies, you did it. You did. And I bet most of you were a little out of sync with Rochester too, when you first arrived. And I bet leaving now breaks your hearts. Because your personal words, whatever they may be, they now include Rochester's word. And while I'm sad that this chapter is ending, I know you will all be OK because this place left its mark on you.  I know you will all persevere.

Not least because you survived five Minnesota winters. Everything after this? It's cake, baby. Eat your hearts out.

My Best Friends

I have been so happy. Not news, I know. But for the past two weekends, my best friends visited me, with their families, which was even better than having them all to myself.

I have a few people that I apply the "best friend" label to, but most of them have other titles as well. Husband. Sisters. That kind of thing. And then there are a few people that are "just" friends, but they're the kind of friends that I will text at 7 AM or midnight to discuss important things like "How brilliant is Steel Magnolias?" and "Why do children prefer sitting in large amounts of feces to a simple 60 second job on the potty?" and they don't curse my name. To my knowledge, anyway. And of course they are the first people to hear my good news and my bad news and my it's-only-news-to-me news.

I haven't lived in the same state as Leslie since college. We lived together for three out of four years there and people used to think we were twin sisters (despite not looking that much alike) because we were always together.

No kids looking at the camera. Par for the course. Aren't they so darn cute though?

While we kindasortabutnotreally look alike, we aren't that much alike in terms of our personalities. True to form, Leslie blogged about this trip about two days after it happened. And when I talked to her about it, we both laughed because we agreed that my blog would be three times later and three times longer. This is why she always did the bills in college. And I think it's why we are still such good friends. There is no danger of me living in an echo chamber with Leslie around. She will always have a point of view and be willing to share it with me, and I value that immensely.

I had to include the Graydon photobomb.

Together we have five children under five, so predictably we spent most of our time regulating the spawntourage.  It WOULD have to be the one really icky weekend of the year, so we made a very brief beach visit and then did indoor things like bowling and a museum trip. And we tried to hunt down doughnuts, which was surprisingly difficult and hilarious. We ended up with cupcakes and we were delighted OK with that.

Sand. It's so fascinating.

Sam and Rocky were BFFs. It was the cutest thing ever. When Sam left, he cried a few tears over leaving Rocky. And Rocky pooped in G's room. That's love.

They enjoyed bowling a lot. Thank heavens for those ramps. 

And for no broken toes or fingers.

I wish I had a video of how excited Graydon was about this endeavor. This was a rare still and quiet moment. It makes sense because bowling involved balls, knocking things over, and loud noises. If we could have involved breasts somehow it would have been his favorite activity of all time.

Checking out an aquarium at the Museum of Science and History

Always teachin'

This isn't really focused, but I love the dreamy underwater quality.

See? Teaching.

Graydon was fascinated by everything.

See what I mean?

Love this. All the babies looking at Daisy May, the possum.

Why is G so excited? Because he's discovered an enormous map. No DNA tests required here, folks.

If the days were all about Mamahood, the nights were all about hashing out the problems of the world and the church. We stayed up way too late, drinking wine, debating, and reminiscing on the past decade. Remember how I said we aren't that similar in personality? It always makes me for some friendly banter and thought provoking chats. But we agree more than we disagree and that is always a lot of fun to rediscover and reaffirm. And every time she leaves, I always think, "That.was.awesome."

Tim actually made an interesting comment about our visit. He said it was fun to watch us together and that a few things that I said made him raise his eyebrows. And I immediately worried that I was rude or something, and he said it wasn't that I was rude, just that I was totally myself with Leslie...more so than I usually am with most people. He said it was like watching us (me and him) talk. And I think that sounds about right, because we all used to joke that Leslie was the female version of Tim. Don't even get me started on how annoying it was to play Apples to Apples with those two in college. Frickin' "rain" is NOT more inspiring than "Beethoven". Common meteorological phenomenon vs. "Ode to Joy"...anyway.

I appreciate so very much the efforts that Leslie always makes to stay involved in my life. She calls, she texts, and most importantly, she works hard. When I come home, she makes time for me. And she visits, no matter how far away I've moved and no matter how many children she has to tote along for the journey. That's so important and frankly, kind of rare.

Which is why it's awesome that I have TWO friends that were willing to trek down here with their families. 

Sidenote: This was actually supposed to be a reunion weekend with all of my girlfriends from college, but a big storm in the Midwest derailed some travel plans and then we had to scramble to reorganize for the end of March. Fortunately (for me) the Barrs had already paid for the hotel so they drove down anyway. Thank you, credit card gods. 

I actually don't remember meeting Ashley because we were too young. She has just always been there, kind of like she is a sibling born before I had developed long term memory. That makes me so happy, by the way. Apparently, we met in the back of a pickup truck at a softball game at roughly 9 months and 3 months of age. That sounds about right for Thomasville, so I believe it.

Like Leslie, Ashley always stays in touch for the big and the small things. One of my favorite texts of all time came from her, when she said "I kid you not, the cops are directing traffic at the new Bojangles that just opened." I need to know these things.

And here's Ashley's Apples to Apples antecodote. "Helen Keller" and "lucky" were her most famous picks. I think everyone at the long table in Mazie's Roost burst out laughing because why in the hay is a girl born blind, deaf, and dumb lucky? And then we all felt slightly ashamed because Ashley explained she thought she was lucky to find a great teacher who helped her unlock the world and her potential. This should tell you Ash is way nicer than me.  And also that she is exactly the kind of person who should be in the schools (and she is!).

This makes me happy beyond words.

Addie and Ben (Ash's son) took to each other right away. Even though Addie persisted in calling him "Baby Ben", he didn't seem to mind. There was a lot of shrieking and running in circles and only a few pitched battles over who was going to snuggle with cupcake blanket.

We went to the zoo and the beach and had great weather both days (sorry, Leslie). It was almost too hot, but that was not a problem for me. I like my weather to err on the side of hotness.

Hi.

There were cool animals at the zoo and you could actually get quite close to some of them, but the water fountain was the biggest hit.

Goldfish, perhaps also hungrily eyeing small children

Hungrily eyeing small children

Everyone is attempting to climb in here

We had a great time chasing babies at the beach (I forgot my camera) and watching the Tar Heels game together. Aaron is a big time fan too, so Tim and I enjoyed that a lot. I'm not sure how Ashley felt about it, but 1) she is used to it and 2) she was drinking wine so I think it was OK for her. This weekend's quest for Greek food somehow ended up with us a club bar restaurant with good food, but extremely loud music and extremely animated dancing and partying. Lots of older ladies in leopard prints on the tables. Our kids were fascinated. So were we. 

All of the activities were fun, and I'm glad we did them, but my favorite thing about both weekends was just getting to watch my kids with their kids. We are so blessed to have great friends in Rochester and I'm used to watching my babies play with friends. But there is something so special about watching friendships in the second generation being formed. It's precious and a totally unique experience. After all, this is not family or work, where you pretty much have to interact for the sake of a greater entity, regardless of your personal feelings. It's something that happens organically, because both friends want that relationship. And we want our kids to know each other too. And so bit by bit, year by year, more layers are added to our relationships.

That is both "lucky" and "inspiring", I think.

Short Years

Someone...I have no idea who, and a Google Search is not revealing much...wisely said that motherhood is composed of long days and short years. I'm feeling the truth of that one lately, as some of our days have been "pleasesweetJesusletitbebedtime" long but I also feel an almost daily sense of "how did you get so big so fast?" tugging at my heartstrings.

Part of that feeling stems from the time of year. Another year of residency is drawing to a close, and we are preparing to say goodbye to the fifth years. And this year, for the first time, we have friends that are leaving. As they leave, we are all too aware that our own time here is flying past with lightning speed and soon enough, we will be the ones saying goodbye to our dear friends and heading wherever the Powers that Be in the Air Force send us.

That's very exciting, don't get me wrong. But it instills a deep desire in me to be with these friends as much as we can be before it all changes again. And I know they feel the same way because we've talked it out. So now we're basically attached at the hip(s) and believe me, our kiddos are not complaining. They love spending time together.

Addie, Riley, and Calum (Asher had already left by the time I got my camera out)

Fun on the slide. The kids actually shared really nicely

Calum is a little bit of a ham. I wish Addie liked the camera this much.

Looking for a four leaf clover?

The Ri guy

C-lo

Good friends. Love the chocolate stains on Addie's mouth!

We are seeing the Brogan boys quite a bit more than anyone else, as they stay with us while Jen works a few shifts here and there. It's a lot of fun to see how Addie and Calum have gone from playing beside each other to tussling with each other like puppies. And I'm so excited to see Graydon and James go through the same process. Right now they notice one another occasionally but mainly they have eyes only for the bigger kids and the dogs. And believe me, the bigger kids are usually putting on quite a show.

America's Next Top Model. This is after a bath that was MUCH needed after the kids discovered some potting soil.

I asked them to hug each other. That quickly turned into a serious wrestling match.

Calum is making the move

The initial "hug"

aka "tackle"

Like I said...

They tussle like puppies...

And they love every second of it

The boys come fairly early in the morning (pre 7 AM) and James usually likes to sack back out

Calum is waiting for Addie to get up and watching Elmo. He's kind of a fan.

James is clearly horrified by my morning appearance. Graydon is used to it.

They wanted to pretend to be babies like Grady and James. So they climbed in the crib and each wanted a blanket and a friend.

The crazy thing is that we'll move away while the kiddos are still so young. They won't really recall these days and how much fun they had together...except that they will because we are recording these moments in photos and blogs and videos.

You know how you know all your best friends' stories? You've heard the story so many times that you can tell it and it sort of feels like you remember it even though you weren't actually there...like it becomes one of your stories by virtue of how much time you spend together? I think that is how our kidlets will feel about their Rochester days. They won't truly remember much, but they'll think they remember it all because they'll see the pictures and hear the stories so often. And that makes me happy.

And it probably means that you'll see a lot of this kind of thing on the blog. Because we Mamas are big into cherishing each other's company as the years speed past. And I just can't wait to see how the kids continue to grow as individuals and as friends.

(And I really really love the fact that every single time someone comes to our door, Addie immediately yells "Come in, friends!" ...even if it is just the UPS guy!)

The Born Wedding

The lovely couple

 We took a family trip to Florida last weekend to see our dear friends Trevor and Diana get married. Well, I say it was a family trip, but really it was just Tim and Graydon and I. Addie stayed in the Cities with her Grandpa and Lita.

Trevor is in the same year of his ortho residency as Tim, and Diana and I have been friends for the entire three years that we've lived in Rochester. She is a wonderful woman and she has tackled so much in these few short years. She took a huge leap of faith to move to Rochester and while she was here she also managed to earn a new degree and embark on a new career. Not too shabby, Mrs. Born! We were so happy to be there to witness them "formally" unite as a couple.

Trevor waiting for Diana to come down the aisle

Diana looked amazing

The kiss

Our friend Dave was a groomsman

The wedding was beautiful, and I was so happy that we made the effort to head down to Florida. Not least because we wanted to be there for Trevor and Diana, but also because witnessing a wedding allows you to take a step back and reflect. Daily life can be wearing, especially in the field these guys have chosen. It's all toothpaste spatters on the mirror and who is going to mow the lawn and why do we spend so much money at Target, blah blah blah.

But when you pause and take it all in, you remember that we...that you....are doing life together. From the moment you say "I do", your journey is taken with a companion. That's an amazing thing. And that's why we go through all the fuss of the dress and the cake and the vows (especially those) ....because it's worth marking the beginning of that journey. It is a brave and wondrous thing to become someone's life companion. And it's really truly worthy of celebrating.

So we did. We celebrated with nice clothes and drinks and no children (at least no non nursing children), which makes it an occasion in Rochester, letmetellya.

Half of the guys

The other half...they clean up pretty nice!

My only picture of the ladies is "blown out", sadly.

Third years

Diana and the guys

Trevor and his friends

Tim and Justin

We did take the G man to the wedding, and he did a great job. He was very quiet during the crucial parts of the ceremony and he had a great time at the reception. He danced with Diana's godmother and with the bride and with his Mom and Dad. Dancing with Graydon and Tim to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" is most definitely engraved on my mental scrapbook of "Why My Life is Awesome."

Waiting quietly in his sweet outfit

Mama and her little man

The wedding was amazing, but it was kind of a weird trip for us overall. It was one of those vacations where things don't really work out the way that you'd like, but it's somehow still fun.

We had great weather the day that we arrived but we didn't take any pictures at the pool because we were tired from traveling and thought "oh we'll do it tomorrow." Life Lesson #267: Don't assume that you'll get a good photo opportunity tomorrow!

We had a delicious seafood dinner that evening and then we collapsed into bed. Only Graydon kept us up from 2 to 7 AM screaming because he apparently does NOT appreciate shellfish.It was a horrible night of handing him off and letting one parent pace with him while the other was resting and then repeating. The poor little man was exhausted and so were we.

We staggered out for breakfast at some point and to find something for me to wear for the wedding. I'd brought the coral dress that I ended up wearing, but I didn't really want to wear that because I felt still somewhat post baby lumpy...if you've had a baby, you know what I mean. But there was only one dress shop within a 45 minute radius and it was selling the kind of dresses that have openings for you to display your belly piercings prominently. Notsomuch what I was looking for, you know? So I decided to wear the coral and smile brightly and worry not at all about the little nursing belly fat that I have left while also resolving to never trust that my husband will be home from work in time for me to shop before a trip.

I resigned myself to the coral dress and we came home to sleep...Graydon, bless his little heart, was so tired he sacked out for three hours.

Delighted to take a nap with NuNu, his bear

We woke up after a much needed nap and decided to take a quick walk on the beach before the wedding. So we got everyone ready to go, including Graydon in his little sun hat.

Add caption

Only to find this the instant we hit the lobby.

Quite the rainstorm

Back to the room went the Ewalds. Fortunately the rest of the night went well and the wedding went off without a hitch.

And then the next day we had to drive from Clearwater Beach back to Orlando ...and we left in plenty of time. Really, we did. But there was a triathlon on the island. And it's an island, people. One way off. And then we got to the airport to find ONE person checking people in for the 11:45 flight. And we were behind a party of 14. No kidding. And then security wouldn't let us go through the family line because we didn't have a stroller. And Graydon had such a massive diaper blowout that he was literally covered in poop from heels to head. And I had to carry him like this through security while he nursed on the go. And when we FINALLY cleared security we ran to our gate to find the plane had moved to a new gate. And we missed the plane. By 60 seconds.

But in the weird way of this vacation, it was fine. An identical flight was leaving one hour later and they put us onto that with no fee and no problems. I was able to change Graydon and feed him properly and he was a champion on the way home. It was weird but good.

We were happily reunited with Addie and she probably hugged us for about five minutes solid. It was wonderful. She had a great time while we were gone, going to the zoo with her grandparents and "helping" Grandpa in the yard and basically being spoiled and loved to death. We missed her, but it was good for us to have some one on one time with Gradycakes.

All in all, a strange but good vacation for our family. Though I may start preparing NOW for our upcoming trip to North Carolina.