Gold Stars and Frowny Faces

Thanksgiving Lunch at the hospital with Dad

The many juice boxes of Adelaide







Post nap crazy hair

Ah, how I love my blog. I love sitting down at the computer in the early morning with some hot chai and watching the sunrise while I organize my thoughts. So why don't I do this more often? The answer varies, but it's always a time vs tiredness issue.

Lately I've been tired because I'm super nesting. Not just organizing my utensil drawer and refolding towels but actually scrubbing all three of my tiled bathrooms with a lemon and salt. That kind of nesting. And it's possible that I have been drilling a lot lately. Tim came home to discover me with a power tool in my hand and said "No offense, but this makes me really nervous." OK, so I'm not the best at hanging things on a straight line. Everyone has their flaws. I have a few crooked pictures and such, but my hard water stains are fading and my bathroom smells great. Plus, it's cheap! Thank you, Pinterest.

Sidenote: How did we live without Pinterest? How? If I need to cook, clean, decorate, or just waste half an hour (ok, an hour or two), I always go to this site. My thought process goes like this: "Oh, I'd like to clean my stove burners. Better check Pinterest!" And fyi, ammonia and a sealed ziploc, folks. That's how you get rid of stubborn rust and goo on your nasty burner grills. "Oh, I need a quick dessert for the potluck...better check Pinterest!" "Oh, I wonder if it's possible to make glitter out of recycled tinfoil?!?" (Yes, by the way) And so on.

Anyway, I'm super nesting because I'm sure and certain this baby won't wait until Dec. 22nd to make an appearance. I've probably just guaranteed an induction ten days after my due date by writing that down, but we shall see. I visited the midwives on Tuesday for my 36 week checkup and they said E2 is doing great. The heart rate was 168 to 173 (girl?!?!) and that baby probably weighs somewhere in the mid 7s to low 8s. Already. Yikes. Moreover, baby's head is at zero station and I'm already 50% effaced and 3 cm dilated. Double yikes. I need more lemons!!! That was a few days ago, of course, and I'm now 37 weeks. Baby has dropped even lower and I now officially waddle instead of walk. Ah, pregnancy milestones.

As THE big day approaches, I find myself really excited and really apprehensive. There are days when I think I've got parenting Addie "down". By which I mean that we have a great day together, we accomplish everything we need to accomplish, the house is clean, I cook dinner, I wear makeup, I dry my hair into a not-weird shape, and things feel totally manageable. Those are Mommy's gold star days. You know, you used to have those charts in elementary school where you got gold stars or something similar. It was a symbol that you did a good job that day.

Then there are those other days. You know. PLEASE tell me you know. The days where your kid watches not one but about four movies. The days where you eye the laundry and think "not today". The days where you tell your husband that dinner is whatever he brings home. And maybe you get up late after listening to your kid jumping in her crib for about half an hour, and maybe you take the entire naptime to ...well...nap, and maybe you go to bed early after watching four episodes of "Dance Moms". Those are Mommy's frowny face days. I loathe those days.

Or in a slightly humorous example: a few weeks ago, I started feeling very odd. I was having a lot of back pain and pressure and I just felt...weird. So I thought "I'll take a shower. That will ease some of the ache and make me feel more with it." And of course, Tim works so many hours that a lot of my showers end up being with Addie. She might come in with me, or very occasionally I'll let her play in the bathroom while I shower. This was one of those "let her play" times.

Well, here I am standing in the shower thinking "I really don't feel good. Gosh, I don't feel well at all. In fact, I'm going to throw up." And sure enough, I got sick and was left sort of crouching in misery on the bathroom floor when I became aware of a rythmic "zzzzshhh zzsshhh zzsshh" sort of sound. And I knew exactly what it was. It was the sound of Addie patiently pulling out 100 yards of waxed dental floss. And guess what? I didn't care. I stayed right there in the shower and let my child yank out a football field's worth of thread into a messy nest on the floor. At $1.99 it was great value for the few moments of peace that I needed to get it together. But it's not really a gold star moment.

So I worry a bit about how I'll handle this transition to two children. I don't always have it together with ONE, after all. So it stands to reason that I won't always have it together with two. I'm not used to dividing my time and attention. And I have a little bit of grief about losing that special quality of "just me and you" that Adelaide and I have together. She's my girl. We're constant companions and she's just...all mine. Most of the time. Tim does occasionally expect me to share. :-)

I expect things to be hard at first. But the reason that we have more children is because it's a good thing. In fact, it's a wonderful thing. We are giving ourselves, Addie, and the baby the greatest gift possible. We are growing our family.

My goal for the next few months has nothing to do with having a perfectly run household. I think I'll be giving myself gold stars if I enjoy the day. If I revel in not one, but two, precious faces. If I'm positively slain by the perfect crescents of lashes on plump cheeks and flashing dimples and bits of fine flyaway hair sticking up. I am going to count my achievements by the number of cheeks and lips and hands kissed and the feel of sturdy little bodies clinging to me. And I'll remind myself that laundry is not yet mobile, that showers don't need lemon salt scrubs on a weekly basis, and that it's really OK if Ads wants to fling all of her washcloths and towels into a big pile on the floor. Those things are mundane. Savoring the little moments that comprise a big life change is not ordinary and it's too important to dismiss in favor of something like Swiffering the floor. Besides, who am I kidding? It's winter in Minnesota, and I've got two dogs. The floor is never going to be perfectly clean!

There will be gold star days in my future again, but the real lesson is going to be figuring out what to award myself "stars" for accomplishing. And I think it's got to be all about happiness and not orderliness.

Pre much needed hair cut!

Love.