We're Still Here

Just, you know, dying a small death of exhaustion and toomuchtodo. Here's the short list:

1) Jaw infection necessitating some emergency dental surgery
2) Mastitis (sorry, TMI, but you know...)
3) Sick kids suffering rounds 1,2, and 3 of colds
4) Lots of sick kids (somewhere between four to six kids under three at my house every day)
5) Three birthdays in December
6) Christmas
7) Moving to Florida for three months
8) Tim gone to conference this week, just in time for
9) Addie to suffer her first attack of croup

So yes, I will blog again. Someday. Haha!

Election 2012, Evangelicals, and Exasperation

I was fired up in my last post. And now I'm just kind of burned out, but I suppose I ought to at least clarify what made me so angry in the first place. 

During the hours after the election, I found out from the social media world...Facebook, Twitter, and blogs....that as an Obama voter I'm "brown", uneducated, on welfare, and that I have no Christian values or even morals to speak of. All of that was somewhat distressing to me except for the brown part, because I've always had trouble tanning. So I'm looking forward to summer this year.

Look, I realize people were upset because their candidates/positions lost. I get that. In the opposite situation, I would also be upset, and might even post something on social media that I would later regret ...though I sure hope I'd have more sense. And I'm happy to say that NO ONE that I consider a good friend was foolish enough to post something racist/vicious/plain stupid. I think that validates my taste in friends.

I think the brown, uneducated, and on welfare part are obviously stupid enough to gloss over, but I would like to say something about Christian values and/or morals. Please prepare yourself for a rant, because almost nothing is more annoying to me than this particular talking point.

Republicans do not own God. Other things not owned exclusively by Republicans include, but are not limited to: Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, truth, salvation, churches, morals, decency, and heartfelt convictions.

You do not get to go onto your social media platform and explain that all Christians obviously feel one way and if you feel differently, you aren't a Christian. I even read one blog post that asserted that God would never tell two Christians differing things, so all Christians should be united on who to vote for in the election.

If you can show me even ONE issue that all Christians agree on, I will buy you a Coke float every day for a year (except not really). So there is either a problem with God or with the listeners, and I know who I'm bettin' on.

I can't even think of one major issue that all Protestants agree on, much less all Protestants, Catholics, Orthodox, and "Other" branches of the church, and I'm really racking my brain here. Our views differ on the process of salvation, on who is saved, the afterlife, the gifts of the Spirit, the proper structure of the Church, the life and deeds of Jesus, the right way to pray, the way to administer sacraments, what happens during Communion, how often to take Communion, and I could go on. Heck, even our Bibles don't look the same. Catholics and Orthodox Christians have seven more books ( think chapters) than Protestants do, plus some extra passages in the books we do share.

So it should shock no one that it is actually possible to be a Christian and vote for a Democrat in general and for Barack Obama specifically.

Despite what is seemingly obvious, I turn the radio to my Christian radio station on Thursday evening to hear "Focus on the Family" inform me that a lot of Christians did not do their Christian duty on Election Day because they did not vote for Romney. And that's just one of the more popular programs voicing what a lot of people said post election. This point of view was everywhere, and it's incredibly offensive and (inadvertently, I hope) exclusionary.

You see, there are hundreds of thousands of Christians that vote Democrat. Most historically black denominations do. Most Catholics and Orthodox Christians do also. Many Protestant denominations lean left politically as well. And so do I and many of my Christian friends and family. And we must have all missed the part of the Bible where we're told to vote Republican. Is that in the Old, the New, or the Non-Existent Testament? 

I don't think Jesus would be a Democrat. But he sure as shootin' wouldn't be a Republican either. God is a lot bigger than a political affiliation. If we could embrace this truth, our political discourse might actually improve to the point of getting some things done in our nation. And I could view social media without needing to do some running afterward. Or we could just continue to villify anyone that disagrees with us and get bogged down in petty disputes. On the plus side, I'd be in really good shape.

And now I think I'm done with politics for a bit. I don't mind recording my thoughts about the election...it will be highly interesting to re-read in four years...but I'm ready to post some more about my babies and leave the bickering to the people that get paid to do that. 

Thoughts on Election 2012

I made myself wait a few days to publish this post, because I was so irritated and so elated that I was sure PUI (posting under the influence) would somehow get me in trouble. And then my post was SO LONG, even by my standards, that I split it into two posts.

The following are my "purely political" thoughts, which will be followed by a rant of epic proportions on Christianity and politics and how I am ready to throw a virtual match onto my mental church membership and commit imaginary arson because I'm THAT annoyed with religion and politics.

But more on that later. I'm sure you can't wait.

 Sweet, sweet politics first.

1) This was a resounding victory for Obama. I've heard lots of talk about the "deeply divided nation" and "this was not a mandate", etc. Well, call it what you want to call it, but Obama won big. Over 300 electoral votes and 52% of the popular vote is a big win. And as of this writing, all 50 states are still counting votes. Only one other President has returned numbers like that for a second term and his name was Ronald Reagan.

2) Donald Trump is truly an idiot. Yes, I know he's made millions of dollars, but financial wizardry does not preclude one from being an idiot. He was calling repeatedly for revolution on Twitter because Obama was going to win the election without winning the popular vote. Except that was totally wrong. Yes, let's all go have a bloody revolt in the streets where people are hurt and killed because we lost an election. They happen every four years and you can try again, dude. Go order some of Glenn Beck's freeze dried rations and seeds and prepare for anarchy if it makes you feel better. But please stop talking.

3) It seems like after every Presidential election the losing party has to some soul searching and pundits like to proclaim their doom. Usually these claims are totally exaggerated...but sometimes they aren't. Look at the Democrats in the 1980s. After getting stomped running Mondale and Dukakis, the party moved back toward the center and elected Clinton and had very competitive races with Gore and Kerry, and of course won again with Obama. 2016 looks very good as well; there is a great crop of people coming up, including Minnesota's own Amy Klobuchar. Further, HRC has not ruled out a run. There is a reason she is resigning as Secretary of State and it might be to rest, but it might also be to re-arm the Clinton political machine. I am not sure how I feel about that yet.

4) Referencing above, the Republicans are in need of some soul searching right now. Their base is aging out, and their party is not moving to garner a new base. They lost the following groups by enormous margins, what the talking heads like to call a "super majority": Asians, Hispanics, African-Americans, Jews, single women, and young people. There is a reason the party leaders are freaking out right now.  Old white married evangelical Christians are not going to be the dominant political force in the upcoming generations.That's simple demographic arithmetic.

Lest you think I'm grave dancing here, I'm not at all. I used to be a Republican and I believe the country is best served by two strong parties that offer up good and reasonable ideas to the electorate. I'd like to be able to consider voting for a Republican in 2016. I might consider Chris Christie. I will not consider Paul Ryan. And neither will anyone left of the Pope, which is most of this country.

5) Speaking of 2016, the Republican primary season is a disaster. Talk about a circular firing squad. It should have been obvious to a blind man from a football field away that Romney was their best option, but they had to continue to court the flavor of the month and internally hamstring Romney before the Dems even got to him.  I know, let's choose Bachmann! Santorum! Gingrich! Trump! Perry! or that Papa Johns guy! No, let's not, people. Choose the guy that is your best qualified candidate since Bush I and take the knives out of his back b/c Axelrod and Plouffe (Team Obama) are smart enough to wound Romney without any help from his "friends".

6) In the end, Romney was his own worst enemy. And that's not to say he's a bad guy or a bad candidate. I've already said I think he was the best qualified Pub since Bush Elder to run. But he was completely unable to attack "Obamacare" which was actually "Romneycare" and he was actually a moderate as a governor of Massachusetts. Now, it's fine to change over time and to change your political positions over the years. We all do this. But it's not good to change from month to month or week to week and Romney was forced into this constantly. He was trying to ride two wildly divergent horses in the Republican "base" and the independent voter. And it was impossible to tell what HE actually thought half the time. Was he moderate Mitt? Newly conservative Romney? Impossible to say. He didn't help himself out any here with his odd unscripted moments. "Binders full of women", etc. And the 47% remark was just awful.

7) The electoral map is heavily favoring Democrats these days. Virginia, NC, Ohio, and Florida are now solidly purple. Out of the 10 swing states, Obama won 9 of them, and most of them weren't actually all that swingin'...meaning most of them were not tight races in the end. And you know what's set to become purple over the next twenty years? Texas. If the Republicans lose Texas they will never win another Presidential election.

8) I'm hoping that the Tea Party's brief heyday in the national spotlight is done. Please, please let it be so. I can't think of a more destructive force in this nation's politics than this strange group of super patriots that were conspicuously absent when the Republicans were racking up debt faster than Usain Bolt in search of a medal. Then a man with brown skin is elected and all of a sudden America is under siege and they can't believe the spending! Though I'm sure that was just a coincidence and they would have hounded McCain just as hard and been just as concerned about his birthplace and college transcripts and jewelry. Or perhaps not. 

9) I don't have a ton of thoughts about the Democrats except they need to keep on keepin' on. They have all the winning narratives and all the winning positions right now and their rallies actually LOOK like America...which is to say they are diverse in appearance and diverse in appeal. And there are a lot of former Republicans like myself that find themselves in the Donkey camp b/c the Elephant has the left the building known as reality far, far, far behind.

10)  Regarding the President specifically, I'm delighted that he's back and I'm hoping his political naivete from the first term is totally gone. He's not going to get much of a welcome because of the looming "fiscal cliff" and I expect he'll have to wade right into that fray. The inmates are running the asylum over in the House...on the left and the right, because the House has been gerrymandered to a ridiculous degree...but he's going to have to find a way to consensus. Despite the fact that the partisan BS is going to continue unabated, I'm so happy to have a man of vision and integrity at the helm as we continue forward. I think he's a good President with a chance to become a great one and I very much look forward to the next four years.

Halloween!

The elusive Sasquatch, caught on film in a witch's hat and dimples, clutching a small pumpkin...

Every year I think to myself that I'd like to make a bigger deal out of holidays and every year I find myself thinking "Huh, I guess I better do something" about two days before the event. I think my problem is not lack of enthusiasm so much as lack of organization. And also lack of funds. That plays a very large role. 

Adelaide does not suffer from lack of enthusiasm. Graydon, not so much.

Sure enough, this year our meticulously itemized budget had a big fat ZERO in the "Costumes, Festivities, and Merriment" line. (I make the categories and Tim accommodates even my most outlandish suggestions. But then he retaliates with his ZERO.) Fortunately I was able to cobble together a witch's outfit for Ads out of a big black tutu and a hat and Graydon was first stuffed into a too small pumpkin outfit on loan from a friend and then wallowed into a too large duck outfit also on loan from said friend. So it was all good and the kids loved it despite the last minute nature of things.

Addie loved her outfit. So much so that this is one of the few shots that I got of her because mostly she was a blur of sugar high motion. The vest was an addition for trick or treating because it was chilly out there!

The vest was an addition for trick or treating. She didn't want to wear a coat that would hamper her tutu.

See? Blur of motion, all the time! 

 I did manage to catch her sitting still with the candy bowl a few times.

Serious stuff!

She was especially fond of her hat because she is fascinated/appalled by spiders right now. She knows that they live in webs but she firmly assures us that spiders live only in the jungle and that they eat bugs. Bugs and dung. Sometimes she substitutes "gross stinky poo poo" for "dung". She picked out her tutu at Target in typical Addie fashion. We had wandered around looking at all the cheap Chinese made costumes that were around $30 and then went over to the regular kids section. She saw the tutus, said not a word to me, and just started taking off her clothes in the Target. Why, you ask? So that she could put the tutu on immediately. I knew we had a winner. She was bummed that I didn't have a broom small enough for her but she pretended and insisted on wearing her tutu and hat to bed during her nap today.

Graydon also loved his costumes. Well. Not really. The first one was a little small.

Mom. Seriously?

Notice how small the hat is, in particular. It's a yarmulke. Oy vey!

So we moved on to the duck, which was originally intended for Addie. She gave me the toddler equivalent of "aw hells no" to that though, so the duck moved down to Graydon. He was still not a big fan.

Still not impressed.

The hood was a little big. And also the body. And the arms...well, everything really. But it was warm!

We then attempted a few family pictures, which all failed miserably. These were the best ones. And by "best" I mean ..."not good but better than a poke in the eye" quality. We are all looking at the camera and that's a success in my book.





It wasn't our best picture taking event, but we had a good time. We had friends over to eat and then trick or treat and a good time was had by all, especially the kidlets.

I do have one last funny sequence from Halloween day to share. Graydon has a Superman shirt with a cape attached that I got him a while ago, planning to take pictures of him when he starts walking. Well, I put it on him for Halloween day and during my cleaning I looked up to see that he'd found a noble steed.

Tally-ho!

Uh-oh, I think I'm busted!

So proud of himself! Notice that Rocky is now at the very far right of your picture. Such a patient and sweet little fellow he is!

Where We Are: Graydon at 9 Months

He's mobile! Hide your drinks, your eyeglasses, your keyboard, your toys (Addie), and your lamps (good luck with this one!). Nothing is too high, too obviously unstable, or too boring to be thoroughly investigated. There is no speck of paper, dust, or dog food in our house left untasted. I have to leave what I'm doing and run interference on Graydon and some object at least 25 times a day.

Sometimes the object in question might be another child

But I love it because he loves it. Grady is so obviously delighted to be on the move. He's got a really fierce and intense army crawl down pat and he is already pulling up on everything with ease and attempting his first wavering free standing moments. He is also sporting his first bruises as he faceplants into various hard objects when he gets a little too ambitious. 

Various hard objects include other skulls.

That didn't end well for anyone.

Addie crawled at 8 months and 10 days. Grady? 8 months and 8 days. I might have passed the word onto him just to see how he'd respond to a challenge. I don't look at it as promoting sibling rivalry...I'd like to think I'm encouraging G to achieve ;-)

As he has become more active, Graydon has definitely slimmed down, much as his sister did. He is still a big boy, of course. He wears size 12 month and 12 to 18 month clothes, but he looks a lot less like a sausage stuffed into a too small casing.

Rollin' down the street, eatin' cheerios, sippin on my juice box. With my mind on my Mommy and my Mommy on my mind.

His recent leveling of the growth curve is definitely due only to activity because G man is still pounding down the food. He can still be persuaded to eat baby food every now and again but he really prefers the texture of "real" food at this point. He has six (!) teeth now, four on top and two on the bottom, so he can mostly keep pace with what he wants to eat. His favorite foods include Saltines, Cheerios, yogurt, chocolate chip cookies, macaroni and cheese, french fries.

 He still nurses somewhere between 5 and 6 times in a 24 hour period, but his nursing sessions are mostly very brief. He can't be bothered to sit still long enough to drink much and he is constantly popping up to investigate any new noise or sight. I doubt he will nurse as long as Addie did, which is fine with me.

(Sidenote: I figured out that out of the last 33 months of my life, I nursed for 28 of them. Holy mother of lactation, I am due for another break!)

Unimpressed Graydon is unimpressed

As he gets older and ever more interactive, Graydon is starting to enjoy reading and watching "movies". His favorite books are Feely Bugs by David Carter (a gift from my Mom), When My Baby Dreams (a gift from honorary great uncle Rick), and In My Den (a gift from honorary great aunt Edith). The first and the third books are tactile experience books and I believe he likes the second one because he likes looking at other babies.

His favorite "movies" are Baby MacDonald and Baby Neptune. Addie still loves these too, fortunately, so every couple of days I can pop Graydon in his bouncer and steal 23 minutes to take a shower or cook something while one of these is on.

(Another sidenote: Yes, I let my 9 month old watch TV. What can I say? I have no family closer than 1.5 hours away, my husband works 80 hours a week (not an hour more! it's illegal! that would never ever happen! honestly! no, really, it's the "truth"!), and the TV is my babysitter at times. I guess if Ads and G become total stoners that enjoy adult coloring books and stale Cheetos, we'll know it was the Baby Einstein DVDs.)

Too late! He is already chewing hemp!

While Graydon is starting to like reading and other such things, he mostly prefers to be on the go.  He loves stroller runs, his bath, and "wrestling". He heartily dislikes diaper changes and immediately starts the alligator death roll if you lay him on his back. Tim forcibly holds him down and I sing the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to him. This is really his first behavior that requires discipline and it's sometimes hard for me to fathom that his "innocent" days are already over!

(Yet another sidenote:There are our parenting styles in a nutshell. Graydon now cries with Tim but doesn't struggle whereas he continues to struggle with me when he can tear his mind away from the mesmerizing Jedi mind tool that is "Itsy Bitsy".  His is the better long term strategy and mine is the better short term, in my opinion. I guess this is why we parent in twos, right? You hope that your pros and your cons overlap enough to create a decent or perhaps excellent human.)

He also enjoys decorative gourds. "It's decorative gourd season, mother..." Well, I'm just going to go with "mothers". This is a family blog.

Getting all Simon Cowell with his large pumpkin choice.

Other interests include power tools and napkin rings. Making a fall centerpiece is not for the faint of heart.

Speaking of Jedi mind tools, I would like to Obi Wan Kenobi Graydon's sleep schedule. How awesome would that be? I could just wave my hand in his general direction and say "You will sleep now for 12 hours without stirring." And it would happen.

The sleep thing is actually a lot better, even without the Force. He is now sleeping a good 4 to 5 hour stretch at night and could probably make it through a whole night if I would insist upon it. I don't insist and so he continues to nurse twice after his bedtime, once around 11 or 12 and again between 2 and 6. He generally wakes up for the day between 6:30 AM and 7:30 AM. G is still taking two naps a day and he goes down really nicely for those and for bedtime. I have managed to successfully wean him from nursing to sleep, which is a great development for everyone. It means I can leave him with a sitter or with family for longer than two to three hours. That's a big milestone!

And can I just say that we adore this kid? He is a total mess...already a big mischief maker and bidding fair to be as stubborn and fiery as his big sister...but we live for his snuggles and cuddles and dimpled grins. 

We love you, G Man!

Musings: Eyeore

 You guys remember Eyeore, right? That sad little grey donkey in Winnie-the-Pooh that was always moping around? I felt like Eyeore this summer, and I hated that because I love summer.

(Incidentally, what was A.A. Milne (who wrote WTP) thinking? "Hey, I know, let's put a clinically depressed donkey into the story. Kids will eat that up." Even more incidentally, the real life Christopher Robin was Milne's son, who felt that the author stole his childhood for profit. Maybe that explains Eyeore. Maybe Milne could see that his son was shaping up to be a real gem and it depressed the bejesus out of him.)

I really wanted to skip this post and move straight into Addie and Graydon's updates but this post REFUSED to be ignored. I kept typing stuff and it was flat and blah and frankly boring. So I finally decided to just lay this out there in hopes that tying up this virtual loose end would free up my creative energy. 

You know how in life things are mostly good and then you hit a season of sadness? Sometimes it's a crippling, loss-of-life-or-limb type of sadness and sometimes it's more the death-of-a-thousand-cuts type of blues. It's been a season of sadness around here mostly because of the "thousand cuts"...things that seem too petty or self pitying to blog about but added up together cast a pall on my summer.

And then there was an amputation type of loss too, with my parents finally, gut-wrenchingly, separating and moving into the final stages of the divorce process. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't. And maybe I will blog about that process at some point, about what it's like to lose your family unit as an adult.

Or maybe I won't. It's a tricky situation because sharing something on a blog, or facebook, or twitter, or anything of that ilk, means that you're making a decision to share it for everyone. And I don't know if my family is "ready" for that. Not all of them are from the share-all generation. I'm not sure how much of that story belongs to me, and is fair game to be shared, or how much of that story is family property to be protected. If I figure it out, I'll let you know.

I guess one of the hardest things about the "summer of suck" is that it sapped my creative energy in a big way. I usually WANT to blog every night, although I only actually get to it about once or twice a week. And I take pictures every day. And sometimes I write other things. But this leaden cloud killed that. I didn't have any desire to create, or to share. I just wanted to muffle and pretend everything was normal.

I guess that's because sadness is so stigmatized in our culture. It's like this thing you have to "deal with" or "get over" or "tackle". It's like you need a plan for how to feel better or you're somehow failing at life. In reality though, sometimes life is sad. And that's OK.

There is a lot of wisdom in children's books, you know. And this summer as I read We're Going on A Bear Hunt to Addie and Graydon, I found myself reflecting on the truth of the refrain in the book. "We can't go over it! We can't go under it! Oh no, we've got to go through it!"

Finally, I just went through it. I got comfortable with being sad, in the knowledge that this, too, shall pass. And that we are allowed to suffer because it softens us and makes us open to learning. Too often in my own life, I've heard other people's bad news and said "Oh bless their hearts" in an automatic kind of way. I feel badly for them...well, actually that's not true. My mind says the right words but I don't register them in my heart. I don't actually FEEL badly for them. But in my own season of sadness, I do register that pain. I do take the time to pray for those that are hurting or tired or grieving. And I think that's important and I hope it's a lesson I take with me out of this kind of "blah" time.

And now it's fall. I love this season every year, but it's especially welcome this year. We've got apples and pumpkins and a really glorious color change this season. And all of a sudden, I am again experiencing the joy of day-to-day life with my family.

My circumstances are still the same, of course. But the pain of them feels a lot more bearable. Life does go on, and it is still sweet, and perhaps even sweeter for a little bit of a drought.

I can't tell you how great it feels to kick Eyeore to the curb. In this family, we much prefer our characters to have some joie de vivre.

The Fear of Dying

I am a pretty fearful person. I don't necessarily like that about myself, but it's an indisputable fact. 

For instance, I'm terrified of heights and anything that involves heights. I can't explain it but my knees get weak and I have to fight the urge to curl into a fetal position.You might think that I'm talking about things like the Empire State Building (which I flatly refuse to enter, by the way), but I'm also prone to freak out in things like parking decks. For my fellow Roccers, here is a relevant example. I parked in the top level of the Damon deck the other day and almost had a heart attack waiting for the elevator. Why is it so OPEN up there? I made Addie stand against the wall the whole time. She thought I was nuts. And I definitely probably am, but fear is NOT rational.

Fear of heights also leads to fear of flying. And elevators. And roller coasters. I used to force myself to go on roller coasters until one day I realized that it was supposed to be fun and I just wasn't having all that much fun (I think it was the tears rolling down my face that clued me in).

And I pretty much don't swim in the ocean anymore because I'm so afraid of sharks. I know the statistics and I know they don't want to eat people (thank you, God!) but still, if you are in the ocean then you are swimming near sharks. And I don't care to enter into the food chain anywhere but on the top, thanks very much.

Other things that I'm afraid of include, but are not limited to: alligators, snakes, spiders, killer virus epidemics, aliens, crazy serial killers, and dentists.

So this is already a pretty extensive list and I haven't even gotten to my point yet.

Lately, I've been terrified of dying. I'm not sick, I'm not engaging in any risky behaviors (no skydiving...heights again!), but I am flat panicked about dying.

Part of that is because I live with a man that is literally dealing with death and grief every day on the orthopedic oncology unit. And some of those deaths and impending deaths seem very untimely and very unfair and it is hard to hear about and witness, even secondhand. The doctors that do this every day are heroes, honestly. To say nothing of the patients and their families. Heavens. Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

It's difficult to hear these stories about doctors and patients grappling with mortality and not consider your loved ones and yourself in the same situation. Four years ago I think this would have been easier for me. But now, I am a mother. And the thought of leaving Addie and Graydon behind is frankly terrifying to me.  My mind quickly runs amok thinking of how they'd have a hole in their lives forever, how they'd never really get over that loss, how unfair it would be to lose a mother so young.

As if "fair" is a concept that has anything to do with life. As if I am promised, guaranteed, owed a certain number of years and days with my family. As if there isn't a single day that goes by without some family somewhere hurting over an untimely, "unfair" death. Just since I started working on this post I've had three loved ones lose other loved ones at ages 19, 54, and 32 respectively. All of the deaths were shockingly sudden and all are deeply grieved.

It scares me. I am afraid that I too have a blood clot forming all unknowing, ready to race to my lungs or heart and end my time here. Or that there is an aneurysm waiting to bloom and burst with deadly consequences somewhere in my brain. Or that while I am laughing and playing, my cells are quietly multiplying and forming into malignant masses.

In these moments of anxiety, I run to God. I pray with barely contained hysteria, a jet engine shriek aimed towards heaven "Please God, don't let me die yet. Please please please keep my family and myself safe."

The answer I'm looking for goes something like this "My dear child, of course you are not dying! You will be the first human since Methuselah to live almost a thousand years, along with everyone you know!" 

That doesn't happen.

Instead God asks me why I'm so scared of death. And I tell Him that I fear dying before I'm finished with my work here. That I fear that I am indispensable. That my family couldn't take another blow like that. That my children wouldn't be OK. That my husband wouldn't ever forgive Him. I remind Him that I love so many people and so many people love me that He really should consider making sure I live a super long time. You know, just in case He has other ideas.

And I'm just guessing here, but I'm thinking maybe God feels in these moments what I like to call "Sigh-Cot-Ic". This is how I feel when Addie asks me for the 500th time what I'm doing, or eating, or drinking, or can she please watch Dora again? And I sigh and remind her again of what I just said 10 seconds earlier (and 30 seconds before that, and 60 seconds before that, and so on..)"Cooking. Cheese. Tea. No." while trying not to lose my ever lovin' mind.

But He is patient and He reminds me of what I already know: which is that perfect love casts out all fear. And then He reminds me of why that is so. Because of course no one loves my loved ones like God does. And anything that happens to them will eventually be used by the Great Father for good in this world. As impossible as it seems, if I leave my family before I am ready, there will somehow be a blessing that will come from that trial. I won't see it, but I know this to be true.

There have been moments of crippling pain in my own life where I questioned God's plan, His love, and His promises. But I am seeing some of those bitter seasons in my life begin to bear fruit, and I promise to blog about that later . And it reminds me again that I just don't have the wisdom or perspective to appreciate the entire story when I'm in the throes of one chapter.

And frankly, when would I ever be ready to leave my family and friends (and chocolate)? For that matter, if my own mother was taken from me now, it would be just as profound and painful at 31 as it would have been at 21 or 11. Because you are never ready to surrender your loved ones. We are made to cherish life and we cling to it. That is our job while we're here.

And that is really what it comes down to isn't it? Cherishing life while we're here, I mean. God willing, I will leave this Earth old, loved, and content. But if not, I remember that when I leave, that my death is actually my gain. That while it would be a sore loss for my family, it would be a joy for me to see clearly what we can only perceive dimly through mortal eyes. I would not be angry, or bitter, or afraid. I would be running straight into the arms of love. I would be going home. And that is a thought that instantly banishes my fear and reminds that me that is good to be here now, living fully, loving deeply, and trusting fearlessly. And I am able to put aside anxiety and breathe easy again, feeling nothing but joy in the life I have and the lives I am privileged to share.

It is true. Perfect love does cast out all fear.

And I am pretty sure that Heaven is going to have some chocolate in it. I'm just sayin...

Picture Post

Tim is gone on vacation this week to the Boundary Waters, and he took the camera with him. I feel like I'm missing something very important. If not a limb, then at least a digit, because I take pictures of my kids every.single.day.

On the bright side, it gives me time to weed out my old pictures. Here is a random hodgepodge of summer pictures that I never got around to publishing for one reason or another.

Love these kids! Asher, Addie, Calum, and Adriana

Sweet Baby James

Hello, young Dwight (my dad)

Brownie Lover

Ready for a run. God bless you, double BOB.

Sharing her sucker with a Rochester Honker

Why feed the geese when you can feed yourself?

Precious G Man

Daydream Believer

Watering plants with Asher

Slip n Slide

Literally slipping

Water fountain?

The Littles

Teething. This was at the beginning of the summer and holy heavens, has Graydon changed!

Walking Rocky at the Soldiers' Memorial

Slacker

There is a lovely blogger named Gayla Trail who says that her biggest piece of advice to someone who is struggling with his relationship to gardening is this:  he needs to cut himself some slack.  He should allow for disappointments, and pay close attention to what works and what doesn't.

Girl never met a hairband she liked more in her hair than on her wrist...

Now, listen, I don't do gardening. Have you SEEN my front yard? (We can't even talk about my back yard. No really, we can't. But if I disappear someday it is probably because our "back" neighbors have taken out a hit on me.) We are doing well if we keep the grass cut and the bushes trimmed (ish) Somewhere deep in the DNA of every Southern woman rests an older woman that will eventually wear a funny hat and grow tomatoes...but that person is dormant in me. Very dormant. So dormant that said person might actually be dead. Time will tell.

Anyway, someday I will remember this advice and apply it growing veggies, but for today, I'm applying it to growing my family. When it comes to my children, I am truly terrible at cutting myself...and anyone else...some slack.

This is as close to gardening as we get. Tending the grass now and again. Maybe eating it, depending on your age.

Now this is mostly a good thing. Every family needs that person that is the "engine", the person that pushes everyone else to grow and achieve. But sometimes it sucks to be that person and sometimes it sucks even more to live with that person... or so I presume.

"I just woke up. I just need a minute here, Mom"

 Usually I only figure out that I'm pushing myself and my husband too hard AFTER it's already happened. We don't really fight much, Tim and I. Sure, we disagree and fairly often we will verbally spar in a humorous-but-competitive way. But about twice a year, someone will politely request that the other person stow the lawnmower after using it, and it somehow degenerates into two primates shrieking at arguing with each other and angrily flinging playfully tossing a Boppy at each other while declaring that the fact that SOMEONE shoved the wedding cake into the other's face after a SOLEMN VOW not to do so should have been an indicator that THIS WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK BECAUSE WHO THE H DOES THAT?!?!?! (This happens to everyone right? No? Just us?) You see where I'm going here. Something small inexplicably boils up into something big ...or several something bigs...and it leaves everyone feeling hurt and pissed off and generally ill-done-by.

G feels ill-done-by also; the food is too slow

After some reflection we usually conclude that said argument happened because we're low on sleep and low on patience and low on quality time and just generally... low. And that the wedding cake shove-age/failure to stow lawnmower is not truly a deal breaker and that it's time to get back to the advice that I started with, namely cutting oneself and one's partner some slack. Allow for disappointments and figure out what works. Let things...and people...be imperfect and figure out how to love through flaws and despite flaws and maybe even because of flaws.

I sort of love the way she never really smiles for pictures. It's so Addie to do her own thing instead.

 Now, I know it is not really the " done thing" to blog about things like marital spats or how you are NOT achieving or succeeding. But if I had a motto for my life it would be "Tell the truth, it's the only thing worth taking the time to type." (That would be kind of a weird life motto because I don't actually type all that much. And some of what I type is fiction. So that would not be my motto. But I'm going to leave it because my brain is now too tired to think up a better one, and the blog title already tells you I'm a slacker.) And the truth is, sometimes we argue. Though not very often, thank God. But it is OK. We survive and we get better and stronger, and then we thrive.

Thriving!

After the weekend's Official Semi-Annual Dust-Up, I decided to spend the day just hanging out with the kids. Not rushing to cook, or clean, or meet friends for a playdate, or work out, or do errands, or really do much of anything. I was a slacker. We ate leftovers, I didn't clean my house, or do laundry, or check my email, or do a single errand.  I accomplished nothing. Except for...and this is the all important exception...loving my family.

What's not to love? I ask you!

Frankly, it was fantastic. And somehow doing nothing felt a lot like something I needed to do, at least for today. (Though I'm pretty sure if you followed this kind of regimen on a daily basis you'd soon be featured on a Hoarders episode). The truth is that my life...our life....is so completely and gloriously imperfect, and messy, and a total work-in-progress. But I love it. It suits me. Even when, and maybe especially when, I'm being a slacker.

Introducing Mister and Miss Chievous

Sometimes I have a couple of posts lined up and ready to go, and my problem is finding time to record my thoughts. And other times, like tonight, I sit down and have no idea what I want to say. Invariably the best thing to do in the case of blogger's block is to go back and look at my pictures and (usually) the topic will suggest itself.

Sure enough, as I flipped back through my pictures and videos, all I could think was "Just look at these cheeky little monkeys. So mischievous."

Laughing his signature "wicked laugh".

Caught in the act of stealing candy from the sundae bar!

This is the face she gave me when I told her to save some toppings for the ice cream

 There are a lot of laughs around here, and oh my goodness, do I love it! I'd guess that some of my discipline issues with Addie probably have to do with the fact that my first reaction to a lot of her antics is...you guessed it... to start laughing. But I swear, it's so hard NOT to laugh sometimes. She is so smart and so sassy that it amazes and amuses me to hear and see what she's capable of doing.  I should laugh less, but seriously, who wants to go through life laughing less?

Not the G man! He loves to laugh!

She stripped down in the front yard to run through the sprinkler, which she knows is not allowed! Yes, that vaguely penile thing is our sprinkler. It was supposed to be a palm tree. $8 buys you this kind of quality, folks.

One thing that I'm realizing with Graydon is that babyhood is both a universal and unique experience. The milestones and moments are very similar for each family. But of course each baby brings their own personality to the world and that is what makes each childhood precious and exciting to witness.

G man is already such a personality, with tricks and quirks of his own. This is his newest trick. Whenever he wakes up, he immediately crawls to his crib and pulls down the bumper to see what's going on in the world. This is usually the first thing that I see when I come in to get him...his little face pressed against the bars, with one eye peeping out at me.

Peekaboo!

He is so happy to see his family, especially his big sister who normally climbs right into the crib to cuddle with him.

Here are a few videos of the mischief. In the first video,we are coming in to get Grady after his morning nap. Here are a few things to love:

1) He has somehow managed to remove his diaper while in bed (it is a dark green cloth diaper...you'll see it in a wad at his feet).
2) He is so excited to see us! It warms my heart every single time. THIS is really why I can't let him cry it out at night!

In the second video, here are a few things to ...if not love, at least laugh at:

1) Addie has learned a few new skills. They include unlocking doors and turning on the watering hose.
2) She has me cornered and she knows it.
3) If you can't hear her when she speaks quietly, she says "Spray Mommy" with a speculative gleam in her eye.